Die tonight.

My life over the last few months has taken a drastic turn. Now I'm in the middle of a divorce that, after reading old posts in this blog, I totally saw coming. I have a great new boyfriend in my life, Mark, and I'm finally back in OC, working for an awesome Doctor and really learning how to be an adult.

It doesn't come without pain and frustration though.. not so much for the loss of Erik, because well, I fell out of love with him and that's just that.. my pain comes from how different life is turning out for me. I had a plan. I had dreams. I was going to take my forever and live it. All I wanted was to be a wife, a rock, a partner in a team. I never had that... and it's all I asked for. I was expecting to be discussing pregnancy options by this point, and looking at homes to purchase. I just hate having things fall apart. and it's worse because I know it's my fault. I married the wrong guy. The guy who didn't want a wife, or a baby. I should have held out, but I'm kind of hopeless. I live in my own fairytale wonderland, and lately I've realized how much I need to get out of that. I'm doing a good job. I work my ass off, and I'm getting my body healthy again, and dammit.. I swear on my life that I will be a mother. Before my 30th birthday.

Down, down down.

My confidence has been super shaky lately. I have no idea why. I have a beautiful husband, a wonderful little home, an amazing pug, and great family and friends. I just can't help but feel like I'm lacking in my own personal goals. I do laundry all day. It is kinda boring.. so then I go to Disneyland.. and I feel so free.. and then I realize how happy I am down there, and how I'll never ever get there so I will never be that happy all the time. It sucks.

One- I was born to perform. I was born to sing. And I have never thought that my voiced "sucked", but lately I do. I'm not taking care of it like I should, so it sounds terrible. Everyone I know will disagree and tell me that I am amazing, but right now, I just don't hear it.

Why do I have to be my hardest critic? No matter how happy other people can make me feel in a moment, I can never find that same happiness within my own soul. When I look in a mirror, or listen to my voice, or think about my life, I see something completely different than what is seen by the rest of the world. I always have, and I don't think it will ever change.

ugh.

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0CYD/is_8_38/ai_101495940/

That is all.

Not for the faint of heart.

This whole blog was created to get stuff off of my chest. I'm happy I have no regular followers, for they may be offended by my entry tonight. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my surroundings, and well, this entry was a long time coming.

I cannot believe in god.

I've tried. Trust me. I almost died twice, and I prayed like mad... and you know what? It made me feel better, but in the long run, it isn't teaching me things, it isn't even comforting anymore. This has NOTHING to do with the typical "life isn't fair" speech. I already knew that. This is about me, and my beliefs about the human race, and the prejudices that we all face in daily life.

I have witnessed discrimination my whole life. I have rarely had it be against me, but growing up in a small republican loving town, I saw plenty of it. In the FIRST GRADE, a classmate of mine told me Bill Clinton was going to hell because he likes to kill babies. A black family once lived in Leona Valley. The children they had were stared at like they were a whole different species. They published articles in the local paper about how this gay couple needed to leave because it wasn't good for the "community". I got yelled at while buying gas once because I had an Obama sticker on my car. Ya know what? These instances all have something in common. Every single time, Jesus or God or the Christian belief system was used to justify this hatred. That sickens me. Do we not take responsibilities for our own actions anymore? Do we not like to stand up to others in defense of a minority group? Do we not like to dare to be different? Apparently not. Apparently all these actions and judgments are ok... because God says they are.

When I believed in a God, he ruled. He gave out high fives to people all day long. He loved everyone with a good heart, no matter where they were from, or what political party they agreed with, or who they fell in love with. Lately though, he is bringing me down, and I am starting to think that he was just a figment of my imagination. That makes me ill.

The "Christian" belief, in my mind, was supposed to be about love, and accepting people for who they are in their hearts. Yet, most times that I encounter a "die hard" Christian, they tell me only of what God hates, and what pisses him off. Shit, my God NEVER got pissed off, unless you committed a REAL crime, or betrayed your own feelings of what is right and wrong. If you got an abortion because you couldn't care for a child, God was there to hold you and tell you that it would be okay, and that if YOUR heart told you it was the only answer, then shoot, it was the only answer. He is not there to DAMN you to an eternity of pain and misery because you made a hard decision.

In the end, I realize I only need to answer to myself. Politicians need to realize this as well. If a girl has an abortion, its NOBODYS business but hers and the fathers, and at the end of the day, they will have to live with whatever choice they make. So let them have that CHOICE. If a man decides he LOVES another man, we should be rejoicing. There isn't enough love in this world. Who cares what the circumstances are? Love is a beautiful thing, and in my opinion, politics should stay out of it. Let it be. More love equals less hate, and the world is too full of that right now.

At the end of the day, I am proud of myself. I am proud of my decisions to LOVE. I love the earth, I love the animals, I love my life, and for some reason I still LOVE the idea that one day the world can learn to love all these things as well, and stop hating... and maybe then my faith in God and humanity will be restored.

ugh.

So I'm married! It's really tough.. I guess I expected something different... something wonderful.. something out of a fairytale. Maybe I SHOULD stop watching all those Disney movies. Marriage is tough work. It takes 100% selflessness 100% of the time.. on BOTH ends. I, myself am not struggling with such said selflessness. I am not a very selfish person (unless it comes to whether to go on Star Tours or Buzz Lightyear first at Disneyland.) Sure, I like nice stuff, I like to pick where to eat and such.. but when it comes to the people I love, I have a tendency to get stepped on.. to give more than I receive. In everyday life that is a redeeming quality.. but in marriage it's the complete and total opposite. I'm letting myself get hurt because I don't receive the kind of attention I give. I think it is partly my fault because I do give a lot.. but I can't help but be sad. So I don't work 40 hours a week.. so I don't bring home much money each month.. that doesn't mean that I don't get tired. That doesn't mean that I don't work my ass off for the better good of my household and my family. When my husband gets home at a reasonable hour, dinner is ready. waiting. His bed is made, his laundry is done, his mail is sorted, his house is a home. The puppy is taken care of, the groceries are purchased, and his precious "man-room" is always left untouched. I thank him every night for letting me further my career rather than work a crappy retail job. I make sure he knows how much I appreciate every single sacrifice he makes for us and our family. Have I ever heard it in return? Have I been able to ask for something to be done for me other than the ocassional dishwasher load? You figure it out. I wouldn't need to have this vent session if the answer was yes.

This seems to by my late night stress outlet.

So I'm in Bakersfield right now, and I'm depressed. I have no real idea why. My fiance is in a pissy mood, but there is so much more. I am having so much trouble sleeping these days, and I don't know how to solve it. I've tried everything within my power. Ugh. Lame. THat is the one thing I cannot stand about having health issues... the sleep schedule. I wake up at a reasonable hour, go about my day, and by noon I'm ready to fall over. So I take a nap, and then I can't ever sleep at night! Not cool dudes..

Anyways, I just needed a way to ramble right now. I feel like even though so many things are going so right, I'm still so out of wack. Maybe it's just the face that my whole world is changing because of this wedding, or something along those lines.

I only hope it gets better, and fast. I can't make it much longer...

Far from perfect.

Hey pals.

I've decided to start a personal blog since my myspace isn't used much anymore, and I don't feel that complaining about life on a wedding blog is very nice. Anyways, life has been upside down and backwards lately, and I feel like I'm losing grip. I was depressed for many many years, but I was so proud to get out of it, and swore I'd never go back... I lied. There are so many curve balls being thrown my way right now that I'm so ready to give up. Let me explain:

There is this ULTRA RAD band, TOY ROBOT, that I happen to play keyboards in. Well, as some of you know, being in a band has stresses, and mine is no exception. Everyone else lives in LA, and it is no problem for them to play, practice, ect. Well it takes me an hour to get there, and I am going broke. But I love them so much I can't give it up. Not to mention a certain someone in my life is making this super hard by not wanting to support my dreams.... that's a different story though.

Speaking of that certain someone, we have been non stop fighting lately. Whether it's band related, or wedding related, or whatever else strikes up a fire at the moment, it SUCKS. I can't do it much longer. I thought I was so done with drying over boys, but I was wrong. Why can't he just support me? I'm not asking for much.. just for him to say he's proud of me. Is that so hard?! It hurts so much. I love him with all my heart, but I'm so lost. I don't wanna quit my band. I don't want to give up my friends. I have sacrificed so much for this relationship, and I can't do it much longer. I know he makes his sacrifices too, and trust me, I know I screw up, but I need a little positive in my life.

I feel like I had my life all planned out, and everything was going to work. I would be married, with my puppy, and in a couple years, be cute and fat and pregnant. Now I don't know if that will ever happen. These baby cravings have been getting so so bad, and I Know he resents me for it. He HATES HATES HATES kids... and that is something that is becoming so real lately. Am I making a mistake? I never thought I would say that but I fear it may be true.

Anyways, enough of my nonsense. Goodnight.