ugh.

So I'm married! It's really tough.. I guess I expected something different... something wonderful.. something out of a fairytale. Maybe I SHOULD stop watching all those Disney movies. Marriage is tough work. It takes 100% selflessness 100% of the time.. on BOTH ends. I, myself am not struggling with such said selflessness. I am not a very selfish person (unless it comes to whether to go on Star Tours or Buzz Lightyear first at Disneyland.) Sure, I like nice stuff, I like to pick where to eat and such.. but when it comes to the people I love, I have a tendency to get stepped on.. to give more than I receive. In everyday life that is a redeeming quality.. but in marriage it's the complete and total opposite. I'm letting myself get hurt because I don't receive the kind of attention I give. I think it is partly my fault because I do give a lot.. but I can't help but be sad. So I don't work 40 hours a week.. so I don't bring home much money each month.. that doesn't mean that I don't get tired. That doesn't mean that I don't work my ass off for the better good of my household and my family. When my husband gets home at a reasonable hour, dinner is ready. waiting. His bed is made, his laundry is done, his mail is sorted, his house is a home. The puppy is taken care of, the groceries are purchased, and his precious "man-room" is always left untouched. I thank him every night for letting me further my career rather than work a crappy retail job. I make sure he knows how much I appreciate every single sacrifice he makes for us and our family. Have I ever heard it in return? Have I been able to ask for something to be done for me other than the ocassional dishwasher load? You figure it out. I wouldn't need to have this vent session if the answer was yes.

This seems to by my late night stress outlet.

So I'm in Bakersfield right now, and I'm depressed. I have no real idea why. My fiance is in a pissy mood, but there is so much more. I am having so much trouble sleeping these days, and I don't know how to solve it. I've tried everything within my power. Ugh. Lame. THat is the one thing I cannot stand about having health issues... the sleep schedule. I wake up at a reasonable hour, go about my day, and by noon I'm ready to fall over. So I take a nap, and then I can't ever sleep at night! Not cool dudes..

Anyways, I just needed a way to ramble right now. I feel like even though so many things are going so right, I'm still so out of wack. Maybe it's just the face that my whole world is changing because of this wedding, or something along those lines.

I only hope it gets better, and fast. I can't make it much longer...

Far from perfect.

Hey pals.

I've decided to start a personal blog since my myspace isn't used much anymore, and I don't feel that complaining about life on a wedding blog is very nice. Anyways, life has been upside down and backwards lately, and I feel like I'm losing grip. I was depressed for many many years, but I was so proud to get out of it, and swore I'd never go back... I lied. There are so many curve balls being thrown my way right now that I'm so ready to give up. Let me explain:

There is this ULTRA RAD band, TOY ROBOT, that I happen to play keyboards in. Well, as some of you know, being in a band has stresses, and mine is no exception. Everyone else lives in LA, and it is no problem for them to play, practice, ect. Well it takes me an hour to get there, and I am going broke. But I love them so much I can't give it up. Not to mention a certain someone in my life is making this super hard by not wanting to support my dreams.... that's a different story though.

Speaking of that certain someone, we have been non stop fighting lately. Whether it's band related, or wedding related, or whatever else strikes up a fire at the moment, it SUCKS. I can't do it much longer. I thought I was so done with drying over boys, but I was wrong. Why can't he just support me? I'm not asking for much.. just for him to say he's proud of me. Is that so hard?! It hurts so much. I love him with all my heart, but I'm so lost. I don't wanna quit my band. I don't want to give up my friends. I have sacrificed so much for this relationship, and I can't do it much longer. I know he makes his sacrifices too, and trust me, I know I screw up, but I need a little positive in my life.

I feel like I had my life all planned out, and everything was going to work. I would be married, with my puppy, and in a couple years, be cute and fat and pregnant. Now I don't know if that will ever happen. These baby cravings have been getting so so bad, and I Know he resents me for it. He HATES HATES HATES kids... and that is something that is becoming so real lately. Am I making a mistake? I never thought I would say that but I fear it may be true.

Anyways, enough of my nonsense. Goodnight.